Almost There

I am giving birth in approximately ten weeks. What.

I'm huge and have just started layering on pieces of my maternity wardrobe each morning, not really caring that I may walk out of the house looking like a frumpy British teen circa 1992. I don't even know what that means. Last night, I took a tour of the birthing facilities UCSF, where I'll be delivering, in a pair of $10 Old Navy maternity leggings, one of Lane's J. Crew button-ups and a puffer vest. I didn't even care, especially when that 90 pound woman walked in wearing size 24 AG maternity jeans. Her legs were seriously skeleton bones and her husband asked really dumb questions. ("What's a labor ball?" Dude, you should know this by now. "Is there a class we can take to learn how to use it?" "Say a family of six comes in to visit us, what should we do?") I also have the raging cold Lane brought home, so I happily threw the Leggings Aren't Pants rule out the window yesterday.

Today, I still have the cold but felt well enough to come into work, which is something I enjoy. Weird, right? I couldn't stand the thought of putting on tights and a dress, so I pulled on my trusty black maternity jeggings, a maternity tank top that almost doesn't fit over my belly anymore and Lane's size large wool crew neck sweater. I should also mention that when I get out of bed each morning, whatever shirt I am wearing has ridden all the way up over my belly. It's quite a sight to see in the mirror first thing in the morning.

I'm attempting to pick a date to start my maternity leave and it's somehow harder than I thought it would be. I like coming to work and I get a pleasing sense of satisfaction out of a good day's work. I just have no idea what it will be like with nowhere to be for three months. My due date is a firm holiday, which I guess is a non-issue at this point because I've decided that working until labor starts isn't something I want to do anymore. Working through February 8 makes a lot of sense, but then I look at the week after that and there are so many days I'd be missing! I'm an assistant and there are people who depend on me to function! I worry they won't survive my maternity leave. And what if someone does my job better while I'm gone? I'm already loathe to leave the house for anything that isn't entirely necessary, so I know I'll be doing myself a favor when February 8 does come, but I really think I'm making this decision difficult because there is a giant life change looming on my calendar. I should be excited to hang out with this new human and my husband instead of worrying about work. But I am excited! It's just that I can easily fret about my maternity leave because it is something that is concrete and known. Who knows what this new life with baby is going to be like? I sure as shit don't know. Someone asked me where I was mentally regarding the arrival and I brilliantly explained my mental state as akin to when you go to Disneyland for the first time. You are so excited to go to Disneyland, but you're a kid and you actually have no idea what Disneyland will be like. But it's fucking Disneyland -- it's going to be awesome! So you're just excited about Disneyland in the abstract, so you worry about things like having enough snacks and will Chip and Dale be there and how do you even get to Disneyland? And then you get to Disneyland and your mind is blown and you get to have breakfast with all the princesses. So right now I'm just worrying about the snacks.