Last weekend, I packed up our co-sleeper and rearranged Elliott’s room. Now our bedroom and the baby’s room are more amenable to active life and I am sleeping so much better. The co-sleeper was wonderful when Elliott was tiny and we had no idea what we were doing and he was just this little stranger, but it was a huge mental block. I sleep restlessly in an untidy room and having the co-sleeper literally attached to my side of the bed was a giant anxiety trigger. I was healing from a c-section and physically unable to do basic human stuff, like get out of bed or sit up from a prone position. The co-sleeper made me feel extra inept, on top of having little confidence in my competence as a parent. But, obviously, things got easier as we both realized that we could take care of our little human just fine and he got used to us and, you know, being alive. I started leaving Elliott in bed between us after night feedings, which allowed both of us to drift off easily without any jostling. Gradually, we began putting him to sleep on our bed instead of in the co-sleeper.
Nowadays, he sleeps in his crib in his room or, more often than not, in our bed between our heads. We cuddle him and watch him chomp on his feet or stare at the shadows on the ceiling in the mornings. Ted often joins us and carefully wraps his fat cat self around Elliott’s head as he now understands that it’s not okay to sleep on the baby’s face. Ted is gentle with Elliott, but he will give him a stern look and place his paw on his chest if he feels that Elliott is getting a little too wound up. Max just glares at him if his baby screeches interrupt his precious (and constant) feline slumber.
So much of having a baby is getting to know them as you would any new person in your life. Elliott’s personality is shining through these days and we are able to enjoy and absorb it now that we aren’t totally clueless when it comes to keeping him alive and happy. He smiles at everyone, quietly (and recently, not so quietly) observes the things around him, loves being outside, he giggles when Lane’s hair gets in his facing during belly raspberries and reaches for our faces when we talk to him. Each day I pick him up from daycare, he lets out a satisfied burp as we walk down the stairs and he closes his eyes, faces the sun and feels the wind on his face when we step outside. It’s completely adorable and helps me erase the day’s stresses and worries. Nothing a good burp and the sun on your face can’t fix, right? We get on the bus and he stares out the window or at our fellow passengers. We get off at our stop and walk through the Panhandle and he stares at the leaves and the branches and the grass. He usually smiles as we walk through the park. When we get home, just as we’re reaching the top of the stairs, his eyes get wide and he grins -- he knows he’s home! I unstrap him from the Baby Bjorn and set him on the bed and we chat while I change out of my uncomfortable work clothes. I usually nurse him about an hour before he goes to bed, but he falls asleep and takes a pre-bedtime disco nap. While he naps, I fix my dinner and try to finish it before he wakes, ready for a change and jammies. Once he’s dry and be-jammied, I lay him down in between our pillows and read him Goodnight Moon, carefully wrangle his pacifier so that he sucks it instead of chews it and lie with him in the half-light until he conks out. Sometimes he takes a while to drift off and I haven’t eaten yet, so I leave him to put himself to sleep. He curls up like a pill bug and marvels at his feet as his eyes slowly droop and he’s out. We thank the universe every day for getting such a great sleeper.
I could go on and on about Elliott: how he hugs us now, the way he takes a break while nursing to look up at me and smile, how he reaches and grabs for his toys with purpose. I am so thankful for the level of comfort that all three of us have achieved. Right now, with the clutter and the uncertainty of our first months together gone, things are so, so good.
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