- Do the dishes, sweep the floors and finally take out all those old Sunday Times.
- Sanitize bottles the old-fashioned way because there are no more microwave sanitizer bags to be found in the kitchen.
- Creepily watch your baby nap in the three layers of clothing your husband put on him to take him to daycare in the morning.
- Sneak out for a clandestine smoke and don't tell yourself you are the worst mother ever and are dooming your child to a life of ruin.
- Make two bottles, one for bedtime and one for the morning, so you're not standing in front of the sink at five in the morning wondering why it takes seven minutes for hot water to come out of the tap.
- Get the baby changed, jammied and fed. Make a cup of tea and read your creepy-weird book about Scientology until you fall asleep, hopefully with no Sea Org nightmares involved.
- Wake up at 1:00 am when husband arrives home from work. Promptly drift back to sleep.
- Wake up again at 6:30 am to start your day and spot a real-live bottle of Van Winkle 12-Year Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey on your kitchen counter. Run into your bedroom, shake exhausted husband awake and yell "WHERE DID THAT PAPPY COME FROM? IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE." He will look at you with one eye open and say he sweet-talked his bar manager and then immediately he will return to snoring with abandon.
- Catch the good bus, catch the three-car Castro shuttle at Church station, get to work on time and get busy.
Total cost: $0
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